2:15 AM, and I’ve just woken up, sitting here without knowing what to do. Well, I guess these piano instruments do not get my mood any better, not to mention much worse.

I’ve felt really idle these days. I’ve done almost nothing other than sticking to the laptop doing useless things for the forums which took me a lot of neuron, effort and esteem yet do not benefit me at all; eat, hang out to waste money and sleep – all at the time I manage myself – MY time *lol*

I feel I’m useless, yet don’t want to really do anything. I guess I’m trying to enjoy the very last days of my almost last summer in college before school starts in a very short few days.

I don’t have any vision of my near future anymore. I don’t know what I'm gonna do, what I want to do, and how I will function. It seems that I can’t get my mind coherent… this virtual world sure does a little impact on me. I have the feelings that this is not the real me, but then, where am I? Infinite. Incoherent. There’s something wrong here. I can’t think… Maybe I’ll have to wait a little longer until school eventually starts. Only when going out to campus, meeting classmates and people, attending lectures, squeezing my ass doing assignments, going to part-time, I am myself. Aish, so conflicting.

I will go to work again. I need money after all… It’s just that the idle summer has discouraged and disspirited me…

There’s one thing I just found out. After a one and a half month summer break, I can’t write decent English anymore. It doesn’t flow along as my thoughts come out any longer. Words seem stuck in my head. It takes me time to think how I will put my thoughts down in English. Gosh, what’s happening? I don’t want it like that *cries*

There’s this stupid Chinese course awaiting me at college *sighs*. I haven’t revised it at all, and totally don’t favor to. I hate Chinese. Stupid Chinese does me no good and I can’t take it no matter how hard I try to stuff it in. Big adoration for anyone who can learn Chinese! Oh gosh… I see a gloomy sky far away. This year seems a lot harder and sure takes much effort. If I don’t pay attention, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself to an emo-mood swing again… By then, no one can save me other than myself, like other times.

Aaarrrgggg, I’m in bad mood. I need to talk. To a real person, not to someone faraway through the screen. I’m fed up with online chatting.

I lose thoughts to the vision of me hugging him again. That’s so worth laughing at myself, lol. I love him, which is not a fact to deny or to reclaim. But well, I figure out I’ve been losing myself to this fandom too much. I’m gonna pull myself together and… well, be more to real life, as Zu said. This is the real me. Still, it would be out of this world if I got embraced by him – 김재중 *laughs at self for imagining again*

Gotta do something rite now other than putting on nonstop repeat these planitive pianos which got me even more emo T_T. This is a bad habbit of me for wanting to throw myself into deep down emo hole sometimes and think about the life, while listening to gloomy chants XD. Hmm hmm… getting some fics to read through the time for example? Let’s pretend that I’m still all free – everything’s still a step ahead ain’t they? *sticks tongue*

Life sure demands.

Sentence of the day: Stupid people love to bother others with their stupid doings which they think are wise and rational. I hate ‘em.

2:46 A.M

08.23.08