A little piece of mind

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 05:45:21 GMT

Anh à... rốt cuộc là sao đây anh? Em ghen tị, ghen tị lắm. Ghen tị với Jiku anh ạ. Trước giờ vẫn vậy, mà bây giờ còn mãnh liệt hơn bao giờ hết. Lúc đọc bài Jiku kể là anh đã nhận chiếc khăn mùi xoa từ tay Jiku để lau mồ hôi và cười với em ấy, nước mắt em cứ ko ngừng tuôn ra. Em chẳng hiểu vì sao, tuyệt đối ko hiểu.

Anh nhìn xuống chỗ Jiku...

Anh nhận lấy khăn từ Jiku...

Anh cười với Jiku....

Đến bao giờ em mới được như vậy hả anh? Em cũng đã từng đi concert của anh, nhưng có phải ông trời ghét em không mà tuyệt đối ko cho em nhìn thấy anh 1 lần nào gọi là rõ. Thêm nữa, dù gì thì em cũng ko phải người Hàn - em là người lạ. Em không ở Hàn - không ở quê hương của anh. Nên kể cả có đi tới concert của anh ở ngoài Hàn Quốc thì em cũng chỉ là người lạ mà thôi. Người nhà với người lạ, khác nhau lắm mà đúng ko anh?

Đến bao giờ hả anh? Đến bao giờ em mới được như vậy? Đến bao giờ em mới được nhìn anh tận mắt, được cười với anh, khóc cho anh và được nhìn thấy nụ cười anh dành cho em?

Đến bao giờ em mới vượt qua và thôi mụ mị đây anh?

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 18:05:45 GMT

Right now I feel I am clueless. I'm being lost, and I no longer know where I am standing. Why the fuck does this feeling always come to me in time of idleness? When in hectic schedule, I wished all of them would stop so that i could rest, and now while being more than idle spending the last time of the Tet holiday like a winter bear, I again get fed up with my own self. It's not that i don't have anything to do, but again, I'd rather lie around. Weirdo.

I am waiting. But what is the point of waiting again? I don't know. To be freed. To take a new life. To do new things. To refresh myself. That is what I thought waiting would do for me. I still hope, though. But days passing by without any news is getting the hell out of me. My patience seems to run out, and no one seems to care much. My parents urge me to ask for the reasons of this delay via email, but I just don't feel like it. Right now I don't feel like doing anything. I am useless. I enjoy thinking how useless I am, lol. Ironic.

What the hell is this again please? Emotional moodswing? I hate it. It doesn't affect me much during daytime, but when night falls and I'm left alone, thoughts keep adding to each other and building up a hill burdening itself upon me I can't breathe. I know I want to get out of this cramp but I just don't have the will. I hate it. I hate myself. How pathetic I am.

I don't know, may be I need a boyfriend? Someone to comfort and console me, someone to be here for me in time of need, someone I could totally and completely lean on. Until when does this stubborness of mine agree to recede, so that I could let someone step into my life and make it easier in times like this?

Night rant

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 19:53:08 GMT

2:15 AM, and I’ve just woken up, sitting here without knowing what to do. Well, I guess these piano instruments do not get my mood any better, not to mention much worse.

I’ve felt really idle these days. I’ve done almost nothing other than sticking to the laptop doing useless things for the forums which took me a lot of neuron, effort and esteem yet do not benefit me at all; eat, hang out to waste money and sleep – all at the time I manage myself – MY time *lol*

I feel I’m useless, yet don’t want to really do anything. I guess I’m trying to enjoy the very last days of my almost last summer in college before school starts in a very short few days.

I don’t have any vision of my near future anymore. I don’t know what I'm gonna do, what I want to do, and how I will function. It seems that I can’t get my mind coherent… this virtual world sure does a little impact on me. I have the feelings that this is not the real me, but then, where am I? Infinite. Incoherent. There’s something wrong here. I can’t think… Maybe I’ll have to wait a little longer until school eventually starts. Only when going out to campus, meeting classmates and people, attending lectures, squeezing my ass doing assignments, going to part-time, I am myself. Aish, so conflicting.

I will go to work again. I need money after all… It’s just that the idle summer has discouraged and disspirited me…

There’s one thing I just found out. After a one and a half month summer break, I can’t write decent English anymore. It doesn’t flow along as my thoughts come out any longer. Words seem stuck in my head. It takes me time to think how I will put my thoughts down in English. Gosh, what’s happening? I don’t want it like that *cries*

There’s this stupid Chinese course awaiting me at college *sighs*. I haven’t revised it at all, and totally don’t favor to. I hate Chinese. Stupid Chinese does me no good and I can’t take it no matter how hard I try to stuff it in. Big adoration for anyone who can learn Chinese! Oh gosh… I see a gloomy sky far away. This year seems a lot harder and sure takes much effort. If I don’t pay attention, I’m afraid I’ll lose myself to an emo-mood swing again… By then, no one can save me other than myself, like other times.

Aaarrrgggg, I’m in bad mood. I need to talk. To a real person, not to someone faraway through the screen. I’m fed up with online chatting.

I lose thoughts to the vision of me hugging him again. That’s so worth laughing at myself, lol. I love him, which is not a fact to deny or to reclaim. But well, I figure out I’ve been losing myself to this fandom too much. I’m gonna pull myself together and… well, be more to real life, as Zu said. This is the real me. Still, it would be out of this world if I got embraced by him – 김재중 *laughs at self for imagining again*

Gotta do something rite now other than putting on nonstop repeat these planitive pianos which got me even more emo T_T. This is a bad habbit of me for wanting to throw myself into deep down emo hole sometimes and think about the life, while listening to gloomy chants XD. Hmm hmm… getting some fics to read through the time for example? Let’s pretend that I’m still all free – everything’s still a step ahead ain’t they? *sticks tongue*

Life sure demands.

Sentence of the day: Stupid people love to bother others with their stupid doings which they think are wise and rational. I hate ‘em.

2:46 A.M

08.23.08